So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
