Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
