he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
