I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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