You work out of a Hotel?
Where is the hickey?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
