my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
