Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
