first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
