Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
