I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
