I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
