Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
