Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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