Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
