You're a womanizer and a bitch.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
