she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
