my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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