If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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