I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
