Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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