Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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