DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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