Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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