I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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