Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
