I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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