Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hippo gnu deer
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
