So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
