Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
