Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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