So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
