"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
