When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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