so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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