I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
