Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
