its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
