god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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