In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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