you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
