just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
