When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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