i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
