Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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