just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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