How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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