I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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