I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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