Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
