i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
