i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
