that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
