Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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