Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!