accomplished twins. life is a go
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.