Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok