If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
