At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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