Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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