i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Soap is not a condiment
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
