If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
