I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
