i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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